为了活着.

to create.

this story is dedicated to what could’ve been, but was not meant to be. who am it? i can’t be too sure of who i am. a lost soul? an empty shell? but i don’t need to know who i am. that’s what life is for—discovering who you really are. what you’re made of. what you’re meant to be. what is a dream? i’d like to believe that we are all dreamers. while each of us may have different dreams, a little seed of hope is always there. as such, sacrificing a dream, or even the thought of it, is often accompanied by an indescribable feeling of loss. but attached to that loss is a sense of obligation and will. without sacrifice, we would not be able to realize our full potential. closing one door does not mean another is not waiting for you. to sacrifice is not the equivalent of giving up. it demands grit, demands the desire to strive for more. sacrifice is the result of knowing that you are meant for something more. it signals a new beginning, as much as it signals the death of what could have been but will never be. sacrifice is beautiful. it is painful. it is necessary. it is self-imposed. we are born from our dreams but can only grow from what...or who we sacrifice. dream #1 the king my crown is cast in gold and covered in thorns. we are bound by blood. the throne beckons me. absolute control. it’s suffocating. but i rule an empire. command an army. conquer new worlds. i have the power to do anything, but that power is isolating. i stand alone at the edge of the world. my skin is smooth but my face has hardened. the horrors i have seen. i know my purpose. have never strayed from the path. i think i am beautiful. i know i am strong. i know myself. i know my future. i lead. i punish. i am god. but this was a dream, only realized in my sleep. so the first dream to be sacrificed was one that was never even real to begin with. dream #2 the savior i am the hero, the protagonist. i ask myself, “谁不想成为天选之人?” but it’s no secret, the burden of being everything for everyone weighs heavy on my shoulders. i must keep pushing. venturing forward even as my back begins to break. i tell myself over and over again, “你是天选之人.” i must slay dragons. prevent the apocalypse. infiltrate empires. all for the sake of those around me. i am the hero, the protagonist. they ask me, “who wouldn’t want to be the chosen one?” “没有人,” i answer. but this was a fairytale. a story concocted from nights of reading storybooks to fall asleep. so, just as the last, i let this dream go, too. dream #3 the voyager the wind rustles my hair. the smell of the ocean surrounds me. tomorrow is just ahead. i cover my face. i am no one. wherever i stay, i am there no longer than a night. just a stranger passing by. i am a lone explorer, the only company i keep is the air around me. i can be anyone. a mystery even to myself, people watch me with weary eyes. but i am free to do as i want. freedom. what a beautiful thing. how fortunate i am to be nothing to anyone, to see the world through unbiased eyes. but to be a voyager, a nomad, would mean to have no home to return to. it was a dream that could quickly turn into a nightmare. dream #4 the preceptor their eyes follow me as i enter the room, eagerly awaiting my instruction. i have unrivaled authority, unrivaled meaning in their young lives. a smile appears. their laughs, confused whispering, eager questions. it is music to my ears. i am making a difference. i don’t have a magic staff, a crown, a sword covered in blood. i am not special, but my words hold weight. they move mountains. i can do anything in their eyes. there is no greater responsibility than that of leading others, of shaping someone’s life. but to have all those lives on my shoulders. what a daunting thing. best to only take on the responsibility of teaching myself. dream #5 the star i am the ultimate jack-of-all-trades. i am a master of none. i can take on any identity i choose. move between worlds. a shape-shifter. the spotlight hits my face at just the right angle. my existence itself is a performance. i glimmer and gleam. untouchable. sought after. perfect in every sense of the word. “这一切只是为了表演吗? 这就是我的全部吗? 我只是个壳子吗?”my body aches. throat runs dry. heart pounding. mind always racing. everyone knows my name. what does it mean to be seen? but the brighter the light, the darker the shadow. had i stayed any longer, i would’ve been consumed. so out of necessity, i could only run away. dream #6 the storyteller my pen does not stop writing. my ears can’t stop listening. eyes watching. mouth gasping. my words enchant. cast life onto meaningless jumbles of letters. i am a ghost. i follow. record. nothing is secret. nothing hidden from view. to all those who desire to know, all is laid bare before them. it is my greatest pleasure. knowledge is power and i am infinite. i create change. craft from my mastery of languages. my stories transcend words. they live in expressions of the soul. unveil the secrets of the universe. but what of my own story. if i am too busy telling theirs, how can i ground myself in the present? this is not my dream, but another’s. dream #7 the creator i have the gift of making anything out of nothing. the power of creation. is it a curse? i can explore the sky, the earth, an empty expanse in the safety of my mind. but outside of my mind, i exist for the world to judge. i cannot escape their gaze. their incessant interpretation. my art is not my own. it cannot be. my expression is now theirs. a transference of meaning. can i break my hands? dull my senses? break away from creating? “this is not the end,” they cry. but to create is to drain. to create is to compete with yourself. a constant battle to improve. i don’t want to let go, but i must move on. dream #8 the dreamer i am a king a savior a voyager a preceptor a star a creator anyone. i can be anything. even if only for a day, a night, a minute of my time. every future, every possibility stands right before me, all within my grasp. but they flash before my eyes at the speed of light. are any of these a life worth living? can i be everything? dreams are just so sweet. i wish i could stay there forever. but to dream is to forgo reality, to lose yourself to nothing but what ifs. you can’t be a dreamer forever, so cherish it while it lasts. dream #9 the self i am me. or am i you? i wonder, “我是谁?” an artist. an author. a student. a daughter. a roommate. a partner. a chef. a lawyer. a president. a dancer. i am eager to impress. are these who i am? or what i am. i have never wished to be myself. because i don’t know who i am. or i am scared of who i am. is it easier to be yourself? or just some version of it. but no one is just themselves. unfiltered. unadulterated. we are all an amalgamation of who we were, are and can be. “you” is not the self. to: you at just 21 years young, i must now learn to forgive myself for all the things i could not become. all the opportunities i left behind. both by choice and necessity. what is it like to look in the mirror and accept what you see in front of you? the person you’ve become. i have no idea what the next chapter holds for me. a vague dream clouds my vision. a wish for what the future could hold. but i’ve had countless dreams. too many to remember. too many to hold dear. but the hope has stayed. as much as i talk about sacrifice—about giving parts of yourself away to become whole again—i have no regrets for the path i’ve taken. and the roads forgotten. i can only look on with anticipation as i take my next step blind. i am afraid. but i must do it afraid. embrace the uncertainty. because even in the face of this fear, i know i am not alone. at the very least, i have myself. as do you. hold on to your dreams until it is time to let go. do not forget your limitless possibilities. you are the master of your own universe. as am i. i am grateful to my past selves for all the sacrifices they made to get me here. i am here...i am here. thank you